Wednesday, January 14, 2009

I cried last night....

I cried last night.
It was a quiet cry. No one noticed. I didn't want anyone to see me. Hubby isn't the sympathetic type. Just the opposite. He would have told me all the reasons it was wrong to be upset and to be crying. So I stared out the window of the van, into the dark, and cried. Then I composed myself before anyone could ask questions.
I was crying because my weekly visit with C consisted of a 15 minute ride home from Robotics. And it wasn't enough. You see, C is a very busy 17 year old. He is busy with school, busy with learning to drive, busy with after school activities, busy with a girlfriend and busy being on the Robotics team. That doesn't leave much time for me and my silly Mommy needs. I am still pretty new to the visitation thing. Up until this past August he lived with me. For 16 1/2 years I had him near me for all the free minutes he had. No, those free minutes aren't much but they are much more than I get now. Even though he is a normal teenage boy who would rather be alone with his cell phone, computer and TV....I still felt content knowing he was here. I could go see him anytime I wanted. I knew he was safe and sound and I could check on that anytime I felt the need. But now its different. Now I only see him every other weekend and every Wednesday. But lately that isn't even true. He is so busy.....and those times have become less and less. I understand that it is normal. A part of growing up. But it still hurts. My heart hurts because I miss him so much. He goes for his drivers test on Thursday and I hope he comes to see his poor pitiful mom more. Just because he can....and maybe because he misses me too.

I can hope.

19 comments:

Jillene said...

I am so sorry Denise!! We all deserve a good cry and crying over missing a child is SOOOOOO o.k.!! I hope that you get to spend more time with him!!

Eudea-Mamia said...

Oh Denise. My heart aches for you.

I'm so sorry for the pain. Those quiet, alone cries. They're difficult, but needed.

My thoughts are with you during this difficult time. Those damn ingrate kids, always growing up ;-)

Deb said...

you're so right to feel the way you do. you give so much of your heart to them, and then they go and grow and become independent and busy. i can tell you that i would be a disaster if i were in your position. i know what you mean about having them in the house... even if they are on the computer or wrapped up in texting their friends.

you lean on us. as much as you need to!

Mom said...

It was a good cry and a needed one with how hurt you have been since he moved out. He is in his own world and probably has no clue that you want to spend more quality time with him. Don't feel bad about your feelings. They are good honest feelings.

Mimi said...

I'm SO sorry. JD is almost 17 & I can't imagine how much you must miss him.

I'm praying for you & sending you {{{{{hugs}}}}}.

Lana said...

{{{HUGS}}}

Cassoulet Cafe said...

Oh I am so sorry. That sucks. I would completely feel the same, and cry my face off. Just thinking of the future when my son doesn't need me like he does now (he's 6) breaks my heart.
Sending you HUGS...
CC

Young Momma said...

(((HUGS))) Thats no fun! I don't even want to think about that! lol It'll get better. I hope he'll come to see you as soon as he gets his license.

Just a question... why isn't he still living at home??

Kristina P. said...

Denise, I am so sorry! It is NOT silly to cry over this. At all.

The Frugal Angel-Guided Psychic said...

Oh that is sooo worth crying over. The big thing is that he knows you're there for him when he needs you.

They will never really understand how we need them until they have their own.

I'll be thinking of you!

Samkay said...

Denise, I'm sure he'll go visit you more. And I'm almost 100% sure that he misses you alot

April said...

Hi Denise,

I found you on Angi's blog and thought I'd stop by and say hello! Nice to meet you! I really love your post...something I can definitely relate to! I have a daughter who is about to turn 17. This letting go process is never easy!

Hope you'll drop over sometime...I really love to meet new people! :)

CaJoh said...

So sorry that you cannot be there with your son as often as you like. It will be an adjustment for all of you.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Amy said...

{{{hugs!}}} Why do they have to grow up?? You are so allowed to cry. He's your first baby and it's definitely a hard situation to get used to. Call if you need to talk!!

Nana said...

I would cry too. Hang in there.

Sid Koudis said...

I'm sorry you had to cry alone. I hate that..

When I was a teenager, I took my parents and family for granted because I was consumed with myself. A lot of teenagers go through that and maybe if you just let him know how you feel. Maybe he is just running running running that he's not thinking of the basic stuff. Keep your head up :)

blueviolet said...

That breaks my heart! It really truly does. (((hugs)))

Rebecca Jo said...

that makes me want to cry....

Laura said...

I am sorry Denise, it breaks my heart. Sending good thoughts and hugs.

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Im a Christian Stay at home mom...that means I am a professional multi-tasker and I give all the credit to Jesus. I am married to my best friend and have 3 wonderful sons. God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, nor sun without rain, But he did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears and light for the way.

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