Sunday, February 22, 2009

I lose

I Love him.
I really love him more than words can express.
But he makes me feel like a complete failure, a loser, and he reminds me how I am not in control. Sigh....

I am talking about J, my 5 year old. As much as I like to pretend I am in charge and I make the rules. He seems to know how to override it all. I want to be in charge....I try to be in charge. But he fights it. Fights and wins. How did this happen? I raised one child already. And he never acted like this. He never had that strong willed stubbornness that made him fight. He is a good, well behaved teenager. But J, he is a whole different person. He will fight and never give up. NEVER. No matter what it costs him, he never backs down. So even thought he has no toys left in his room, no TV today, no games and no trip to Mommoms this afternoon....he still won. He still had the upper hand, he still fought and stuck to his guns. I never ever change his mind and get him to give in and behave. No, he isn't always like that. Most of the time he is an awesome, loving, caring child. But when he gets an idea in his head no one can change it. And he wont abandon his idea. He would rather lose everything forever than back down and do what he is told. How do you win with a child like this? How do you break through that stubbornness and teach him to let go and do the right thing?
So yes, in the end I won because he ended up being punished but it really doesn't seem to matter. He has no toys but is happy and content to spend his afternoon with an empty laundry basket. But this really isn't a win, because I didn't change him. I didn't get him to end the temper tantrum. The fight....the struggle. Will he remember this punishment next time? Hopefully, but probably not.


Mimi said...

My 17 year old was exactly like this...completely.

He did not remember the punishments the next time he firmly made his mind up about something. The best you can do is to try to stay calm.

The good news that I can offer is that this stubborness/pigheadedness can be a good quality in an adult. (not really in a 16 year old!)


Kristina P. said...

I think that the most important thing you can do is to be consistent. I counsel with parents a lot, and the biggest thing I hear from them is that they give in.

He may seem like it doesn't make a difference, but he may just be trying to push you until you give in. Be consistent with the consequences, regardless of his response.

If they still don't work down the line, then try something new. But a lot of parents give up because it doesn't work immediately, and it can take time.

Anonymous said...

I was that way but God completely changed me. The best advice I got is to keep trying and don't give up because what really bothered me was when someone gave up the fight. Be blessed!!

Young Momma said...

I hate days like those. (((hugs))) Hopefully he'll make you smile and give you a big hug and remind you he loves you - even when he's being a butt. :)

Michelle said...

Hi, I saw your comment about stock piling food on another blog and I thought I could shed light on it. I live in Utah where there is a vast majority of Mormoms (I'm not one so take this as an opinion). They teach that you should be prepared (for storms, earthquakes, losing your job) whatever, and stockpile food as well as everything else. Not neccesarily a bad plan, but some of them go to extremes....
As far as this topic, I have two boys as well and my first one is easier too altough they are 7 and 4. I read somewhere that God makes teenagers so parents will learn to let go of them, probably nothing helpful there but I think you're not alone. :) hang in there he'll be a wonderful adult one day with grandchildren that will vendicate you.

Anonymous said...

My youngest was very pigheaded, still is actually. In my case, I am more pigheaded than he is so I win those battles but my husband gets so incredibly frustrated because he never wins. I totally understand where you're at.

Amy said...

Consistency is the key! It's hard to do, especially when it doesn't feel like it is working. He did not win. He will come around.

Randi Jo :) said...

thank you so so much for stopping by my blog today and commenting...this was totally divine because I needed to read this blog entry of yours today. I am having the hardest time with my 2.5 year old. I've never met a more independent, strong willed child. Nothing phases him and he just will NOT listen. I can't get over how much he doesn't listen.

What a failure it makes me feel like. We're potty training -- well we were trying - but I'm gonna have to hold off again because it's just not working for either of us..... so frustrating. It is taking everything in me to not lose my temper.

I THINK it's his personality --- but one part just blames myself that I 'caused' this.....but either way, I also know that we need to have even more discipline and my husband and I have to get more proactive about this then re-active. can't he just act like a normal /sensible adult? :) no he can't. he's a 2.5 year old and needs to be taught - but it's so hard!!

I couldn't handle 2 children like this. So because my first is like this - we are not even thinking about having a 2nd any time soon.

This is so hard! thank God for His strength & grace to make up for all my failures & weaknesses.

Deb said...

ugh, i don't know... have you read that book "the strong willed child"? i have one, too. luckily (i guess) he was my FIRST, so i didn't know any better. when my second was SO MUCH EASIER to deal with, it was like a gift from GOD.

hang in there, denise!!!!

Linda said...

I'm the same, my older ones seem better than my 12 year old. But she has a bit of outside pressure sometimes.

I just love what Super Nanny does, I know, I am a cracked record.

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Im a Christian Stay at home mom...that means I am a professional multi-tasker and I give all the credit to Jesus. I am married to my best friend and have 3 wonderful sons. God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, nor sun without rain, But he did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears and light for the way.

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