Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4
I have been trying my best to accept things that happen as God's will. To be ok and to KNOW that God has a plan. It is not my place to ask questions. I am just supposed to lean on Him.
OK God....I am leaning. Help me to not doubt. To not question. To not wonder. To give it all up to you. Help me please. Amen.
Friday I went to see my Rheumatologist. If you have followed me for awhile you will remember last spring when I came off the Enbrel for a few months so I could start on the Methotrexate. This was my Rheumys idea. He thought my PCP jumped into the Enbrel too soon. I did it. I had several BAD months. It took nearly 6 months of building up the Methotrexate in my system along with SEVERAL dosage increases to get where I was starting to feel better. To notice a difference. It didn't "fix" me, but it helped. And believe me.....any help is a good thing. When I saw him on friday he told me that the Methotrexate is hurting my liver. And he told me to SKIP my next dose.....have bloodwork next weekend and then resume on the Methotrexate at HALF doses.
Really? REALLY? I know I can't risk damaging my liver. But I also know that a lower dosage doesn't help me. Maybe on the inside it does....maybe it helps stop my disease from affecting my internal organs. Maybe is stops it from progressing. But it DOESN'T help me FEEL better. It doesn't help me get out of bed in the morning. It doesn't help me to get through my day or take care of my kids.
So here I am.....freaked out that the next month or two (or more!) will be bad. Hubby told me that maybe this will work out so that I can go back on the Enbrel (which helped). He also said that maybe this is God's will and it will work out for a few other things going on in our lives. Yes....my hubby said that. Hearing him think like that warmed my heart....and helped me to get through a very dark and sad friday afternoon.
I have to trust in the doctor....because I don't want liver damage. I WILL make it through no matter how rough the next month or so will be. I have great people in my life who will help me. And I have God. and God has me.