the blog where I whine and cry

People keep asking me how I am doing. I keep politely telling them that I am OK, or that I'm hanging in there. Want to know the truth? I am not OK. I want to throw a temper tantrum. I want to kick and scream and yell and scream. I WANT HIM BACK!  I know I am selfish but I want him back. I want one more day, one more hug, one more kiss. I want him to tell me he loves me one more time. To show me that ornery grin one more time. Or maybe a hundred more times. Everyone says it is OK, he isn't in pain anymore. I know he isn't, I know he is peaceful and happy and looking down on me.

But right now I want him back. I WANT HIM BACK!!!!!!

Rest in Peace Poppop, Rest in Peace

I lost my Poppop on Wednesday. He went home to be with Jesus. I was able to be with him for the last day of his life, and I sat with him and held his hand the whole time. It was a blessing and a heartbreak all wrapped into one. He was such a huge part of my life and I dont think anything or anyone will ever be able to fill that void. Thank you Poppop for being so good to me. I was certainly blessed by having you in my life.

Young Momma is.......

The blogging community never ceases to amaze me. The friends that I have met are such a blessing. One of my very first bloggy friends was Young Momma. For about a 18 months I have "known" her, we have shared, laughed and probably cried for each other. But all this time I never even knew her name.....but guess what?!? She is coming out of the blog closet! She just posted her first Vlog....and it is all about her charity Kim's Angels. Think Jay + St.Baldricks, but pretty (sorry Jay!)

So go now! Check out her newest post, watch her Vlog and check out Kim's Angels and see how they are raising money for Cancer research.

Where is that darn switch?!?

I really don't have anything important to say....but I feel like I should blog anyway. I seem to have gotten away from my old blog habits, reading and writing often. Part of that is because my life is busier now. I'm not sure if you are anything like me but when I have a lot going on in my life, I get very ADD-ish (no offense to ADD patients). I often feel like I can't concentrate, or focus on one topic. The thoughts and ideas I have are all floating around and banging into each other in my brain....all trying to be the first in line. That is exactly how I have been lately. There are only two things that calm my brain down enough to allow me to fall asleep at night. Xanax and reading. Not that all these thoughts are bad thoughts, or that I am upset...sometimes the info is useless shopping lists and goofy stuff.

Is anyone else like this? Anyone else need to read at night or do something else to get their brains to "shut off"??

A Comforting verse

I have a new Bible that I use to complement my NIV Bible. The new one is a Parallel Study Bible. It has 3 versions plus a study bible all listed together. Each 2 page spread lists the exact same verses and you can read them side by side to compare....then read the Study Bible column for a deeper explanation. I LOVE it! I waited and saved my money for awhile to get this book and I am happier than I thought I would be.....but this isn't a blog post about my Bible, it is about a verse I read.
Let me back up a bit. I read a Daily Bible, which gives me part of the Old Testament, New Testament, Psalms and Proverbs every day. I read through the whole Bible last year and then started over again on Jan 1. Aside from that daily reading I also try to read in my NIV and my new Bible. Some days I expand on what I read in the daily Bible, sometimes it has to do with the sermon I heard on Sunday and recently I started to re-read Revelations. (Stay with me Mom....you will want to hear this). Revelations is scary the first time you read it and even more so the second time. But it doesn't have to be scary.....because I found a verse that will take all that fear away....

Revelation 3:10
Because you have kept My command to persevere, I also will keep you from the hour of trial which shall come upon the whole world, to test those who dwell on the earth. NKJV

This means that if we are Christians, TRUE Christians, then we have nothing at all to worry about. The Lord will protect us during those times. Awesome, right?! I love that the Lord can always show us something new in His word, right when we need it.

Weekend/Parents

Hubby took the cover off the camper yesterday and we slept in it last night. The boys were so excited, especially R because this was his first time sleeping on the top bunk. He felt like he was all grown up. From now on the boys have to take turns sleeping on the top bunk. J was NOT happy about this, I guess it felt like a demotion to him, lol Opening the camper is like our family's official start of spring. It feels good and it makes us excited for the warm weather. As much as we all love our camping trips in the backyard we love our "real" camping trips even more.....and we can't wait for the first one. Hurry up Summertime!

My parents arrived safely in Florida today. They are exhausted but happy to be there. My niece is spending the week with them and helping them unpack.

And speaking of my parents, tomorrow is their Anniversary.

Happy Anniversary to the BEST Parents EVER!!!

I LOVE YOU GUYS!

Leave some comment love for Mom & Dad...Thanks!

I'm NO Doctor BUT......

I went to a new doctor today, an ortho. He was supposed to be checking my lower back, my hips, etc. No lie....the man had me undress, get into a gown, bend down like I was going to touch my toes, roll my head around then had me lay flat on the exam table. He grabbed my right foot, flexed it, bent my knee and pushed it towards the other leg. Then did the same with my left foot and leg. That's it. Seriously.
I am not a doctor and other than taking Anatomy/Physiology 1, I have no medical knowledge but I can GUESS that if you are examining a persons back and hips you need to physically SEE them and touch them!!!

At least that is what this uneducated patient thinks.

Ugh.

Tuesday rambling

I don't blog as often as I used to. This is a good thing and a bad thing. Good because I have some other things to do now that take up my time and bad because I miss it. I have been busy with Poppop, with daily work, the kids, etc. On top of all that I haven't been feeling well. My meds are not working very well. I went to my Rheumatologist visit last week. He said my blood work is showing increased inflammation and my joints are swollen. Duh! Thats what happens when you take half my Methotrexate away. So he increased my meth up to 6 a week and will be doing lots of blood work to watch my liver levels. If they increase again then we have to go in a different direction with my treatment. I may go back on Enbrel or I might try something completely new. He also changed my Percocet to Percodan, because the Percocet has Tylenol in it and that is bad for my liver.
I have several friends and family members who have been all but screaming at me that I need to find a pain management doctor. I know that I should. But there is a part of me that hates the idea. Goofy, right?

Poppop is doing OK. He is stable and comfortable. Each day his mental status is different and we never know what to expect. Hubby and the boys went with me after church on Easter Sunday to see him. Unfortunately he was having a bad day and could barely stay awake. I just hope that he was happy on the inside to see us.

I treated myself the other day. I stopped in a Christian book store and found some clearance books for the boys, a tshirt and ring for me. I LOVE my new ring. It is a mobius ring and it has this verse on it... Do Not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with Thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Phil 4:6
I am facing a few trials and this ring will be a physical reminder to hand these trials over to God and to trust he will do what is best.

I hope that everyone is enjoying this beautiful spring day!

Today....the good and the bad

This morning we went to the egg hunt at our church. The boys had a great time and got lots of eggs filled with candy, stickers and toys. The church did a Bible lesson and played games too. Then they served pizza for lunch. Afterwards we went to a couple stores and then home. Me and the boys took naps and Hubby has spent all afternoon working in the yard. The weather is beautiful and aside from one thing I couldn't ask for a better day.

That one thing is pain. My pain level is through the roof this afternoon.....even after taking percocet I am still in severe pain. I know I did too much, and I know it is partially my fault. But I still want to whine a bit.....just so I don't whine to the family. We still have to have dinner (leftover chicken enchiladas and fresh baked beer bread) and dye Easter Eggs.

Tomorrow morning we will have breakfast, the boys will hunt for eggs in the backyard and then we will go to Church to celebrate the Resurrection of Jesus! After church we will go visit Poppop (I got him some Easter balloons....he loves balloons) and then to my Mother in laws for Easter dinner. I know it will be a great day.

I hope you have a wonderful Easter too....and I hope you take at least a few minutes to praise the Lord and thank Him for giving us hope in our lives.

Agape

Parents can understand a little bit, but no one can fully understand what Agape feels like. Agape Love from the Father is an amazing gift that is available to us all. Agape Love is what held Jesus to the cross. Agape is the only way Jesus could bear to suffer the way he did. He did it because he loves us. Your name and my name were on his lips as he hung on that cross.

Please watch this video.....listen to the song and watch the images. And when you see our Lord suffering on that cross please remember that He WAS thinking of you. He loves you THAT much.....THAT is Agape.